Feeling Suicidal

Discussion in 'Thyroid' started by ForeverBlue, Mar 25, 2010.

  1. ForeverBlue

    ForeverBlue New Member

    I've been reading posts on this site for about 6 months now. I see how devastating hair loss can be for most women, but i feel far beyond devastated by it.

    Unlike some people, i know what has caused my hair loss. I was diagnosed hypothyroid in 2008, and my hair has been falling out ever since. Tried all the medications, in lots of different doses, and nothing seems to help.

    Before my diagnosis, i was a happy, healthy person, with beautiful hair. That has all changed. I have attempted suicide twice in the last year, because i can't stand what this disease has done to me. Almost all my hair is now gone, along with my will to live. I cry everyday, all day, never leave the house, don't talk to anybody, and i feel like i'm living in a nightmare that i can't wake up from. I want to die so bad, it's all i can think about.

    How do you go on living with no hair ??? I read about people on here that do, but i don't get it. I feel like a freak. And the worst part being nobody understands what this does to a person. I've been laughed at by everybody, including doctors. They just think i'm vain, and i need to get over it. I just choose not to go on living like this. The pain is overwhelming.

    I can't be the only person that didn't want to live like this ( even though i feel like i am ). I feel sad that my life has to end this way. Hypothyroidism is a treatable disease, but that doesn't seem to be the case with me. Besides my hair, i've been horribly ill for 2 years. Being so sick, then having to deal with losing my hair, has left me a broken person. Death is so welcoming, i can't wait to be free of all this.

    Has anybody else felt this way ?????
  2. lostalot

    lostalot New Member

    Forever Blue, Yes I have felt this way many times on and off over the last year. I have AGA related hair loss. Mine is very diffuse but getting thinner and thinner month by month. Over the last year I have probably lost nearly half my hair and I didn't have much to begin with.

    I have been through a few deep depressions about this but have never attempted suicide. Instead I would wish for cancer or some other awful disease to take my life and then I would at least have a good reason for the hair loss. I feel so selfish sometimes for not enjoying life when others would love to have it as good as I do (except for my hair). I've been doing better lately mostly due to leveling my hormones out by taking Yaz. It is approved for PMDD (severe PMS) and I think a lot of my deep depressions were due to the hormone swings.

    I'm still down about my situation but try to find inspiration from those who wear wigs. I haven't investigated on my own yet, but I'm hoping there are some realistic alternatives that will help me feel like less of a freak. And also there is always that little light of optimism in the back of my mind that still hopes there's a chance for some recovery of my lost hair.

    Please hang in there and seek help if you're hitting bottom. Life is precious even if we don't have everything quite the way we want it.
  3. Bidi

    Bidi New Member

    Please don't ... Hair loss is heartbreaking but a heart can mend. You can get out of this terrible deep black hole you're in right now ... Just hang in there a little more time. Don't let go ! Life is stronger than this and it will find a way through this illness you're suffering from.
    Fisrt try and take care of the worst symptoms and let your hair aside for a moment. Go and see someone to whom you can talk about all this and who will welcome your pain.
    Don't do anything that will end your potential to live and learn from this terrible phase you're going through.

    Please, take care of your precious self !
  4. Women's Hair Loss Project

    Women's Hair Loss Project Administrator Staff Member

    Dear ForeverBlue -

    I understand your pain intimately, I truly do. There are huge chunks of my life that are simply missing from my memory due to an incredibly dark dark depression, it seemed life just didn't exist, only my sadness, pain, fear of the future and deep loss. While I still have hair on my head, who I was with my thick gorgeous locks is just a far distant memory and I really am not the same person anymore. I'm learning to love who I am now. The women on this site were really instrumental in my change in thinking and realization that there is life after hair loss. We have options to shave our heads or wear amazing hair pieces and wigs. Those are real viable options. Of course it isn't my first choice, it's not how I would have envisioned living my life, but it's doable and when it comes to it, I know I will cry as I move on into that next phase of my hair loss life. But, I and you and every other woman can live really great, productive and fulfilled lives, even amidst hair loss.

    I am so deeply saddened to hear that you have attempted suicide twice in the last year. Have you sought out professional help or talked with a suicide counselor? I would really encourage you do to that, you don't want to end your life. There is so much to live for and life is such a precious gift. I don't think our hair is worth that. We try and treat it the best we can, and if that doesn't work we have to go to Plan B. Plan B is to have a profound change in attitude, our being, to look toward alternatives, to understand truly that we are so much more than our hair and in *some* ways probably live a more enlightened and enriched life for having gone through this. We can come out stronger and be more equipped to deal with life's roadblocks and potholes.

    I am truly mortified and angered to read that you have actually been laughed at my physicians. This is not a vanity issue.

    Something that has been a huge help to myself is to see real women wearing hair and living life:
    http://www.womenshairlossproject.com/wigs/hair-never-looked-so-good/

    Please please make sure to talk to a counselor, whether in person on through a hotline:
    http://www.suicidehotlines.com/national.html

    You are among friends who really understand you and are here for you.

    ((HUGS)):>:>:>:>

    XOXO

    Y
  5. VictoriaG

    VictoriaG New Member

    Hi,
    I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Please know that we are all here to help and support you in any way that we can, at any time. Everyone here understands, and will do whatever they can to help you through this. Is it difficult? No question. But like others have written before me, your life is much too precious. We cannot cure you, but we can help you though this. You are not a freak, you are not vain. You are just human.
  6. stit60

    stit60 New Member

    Hypothyroidism and depression

    Dear Blue.
    While hairloss does suck, it is not the end of the world. Could it be your low thyroid level making you feel this depressed? I would switch to another endocrinologist. The one you have may be undertreating you or using the wrong medications. I know 2 years sounds like a long time but keep trying! There is always something new out there to try! Getting some counseling might help you feel better. I've battled hairloss for over 20 years Blue, so I know the hopeless feeling you are dealing with. I also live with severe chronic pain from degenerative scoliosis. I'll be 50 years old this year. While my hair continues to thin (my pony tail now is the size of a pencil and people sometimes stare at the front of my ravaged scalp), I keep trying new things. I've been where you are. It hurts, I know...but we're here to help you through this! You mentioned not leaving the house. I wish I were there with you and we'd walk out of the house together with our thin heads and then...I'd take you with me to volunteer at the humane society! A few nuzzles with some fur babies will help you forget all your troubles and help them too. You can get through this! Write any time if you need someone to talk to! I'm here and will be a good shoulder to cry on!
    signed, S.T.I.T (stands for: Stronger Than I Thought):)
  7. missy33

    missy33 New Member

    Trust me- you are not the only one who is absolutely devastated by your hair loss. I have been going through this 9 months now (wow- I can't believe it's been so long) and I am only 28 - until I started researching my hair loss- I never even knew women my age could have this kind of problem. This is horrible to say when I know there are so many other awful illnesses out there- but right now I can not think of any thing worse then knowing I am going bald if I don't find away to stop this.

    I have always been the person who everyone is jealous of my hair- I absolutely loved my hair and it was the one thing I would splurge on so it was always cut stylish and colored nice. I know one trait shouldn't define you - but since going through this I have realized just how big a part of my identity my hair is.

    I have also told myself that if I ever get to the point where I have to wear a wig I would kill myself- I'd like to think I'm a stronger person and I would never go through with it- but I just can't imagine living life without hair. I'm so jealous of the women on here who have a positive attitude about this, but unfortunately I don't.

    But I am still fighting the good fight and am not ready to admit that there is no hope for my hair- I pray every day that the next day will be the day it stops shedding.

    Good luck to you- I have thought about seeing a psychologist to help me get through this- and I think you should do the same- you are right- no one understands- my friends kind of ignore me when I make a comment about my hair- so I think maybe talking to someone professionally who will actually listen my be helpful.
  8. ForeverBlue

    ForeverBlue New Member

    I have talked to people about my hair loss. Nobody gets it. They just think your vain, and you need to get over it. I hear stupid things all the time, like...It's only hair, and you can live without it, just get a wig, and move on with your life, or, it's not the end of the world. It is for me.

    Today i took a shower, and got so upset, i punched a hole in the wall. That was the moment i realized, it's time to go. I am becoming violent, because i'm so angry that this is happening to me, after everything else i've been through ( long story, but this is just one of many things ).

    I know everybody here is going throught the same thing, but not everybody can deal with things the same way. Going through this has exhausted me to the point where it's even hard to breathe. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, and now that the time has come when i can no longer leave the house, i don't know where i can go from here. Can you really hide in the house forever ??? How do you get groceries, and other needs, pay your bills, go to the doctor, etc. I'm only kidding myself thinking i can hide in here forever. I have no family, or close friends, to help me. I can't even walk down the driveway to get my mail.

    I wish i could except this, but for me, that is not an option.Who wants to be mserable the rest of their life. That is no way to live, and i've already lived like this for many years.

    My wish for everybody on here, is that your hair will stop falling out, and grow back, so there is no need for a website like this. I know it helps people, but it's a terrible place to come to. I hope in heaven, we all get our hair back.
  9. Dharma2

    Dharma2 Member

    ForeverBlue please don't feel like you are alone. All of us experiencing this devastating hair loss are one. We share a common bond although not a positive one we are all in this together. While you may be alone physically, emotionally and spiritually we are here for you. Share your pain as often as you need to on here. I can't imagine that anyone here would ever think you should or could just "get over it" and you are not vain. Our hair is part of us, part of our personality, our identity. I have always had very long, beautiful dark brown hair and so I have an idea of how it can feel like the end of the world to you. When my hair loss was at its worse I had suicidal thoughts as well but then something happened that turned my attitude about my hair loss around. I ran into an old friend I use to work with and she told me about another mutual friend/co-worker, a 33 year old absolutely beautiful blonde woman, who 14 months prior she found out she had breast cancer. She has since had both of her breast removed and her ovaries as well. She still doesn't know if the cancer has spread. My friend, who doesn't know of my hair loss struggles, told me that this woman found losing her hair the worst experience of all. So please, please know that how you are feeling is completely justified however like all feelings they change over time. My friend with the cancer felt much better once she started wearing wigs. She returned to the classroom, something she wasn’t able to do until she bought a wig. I don’t pretend to know what you need to get through but maybe if you have the resources you could buy yourself a nice wig and see if that empowers you any.
    I am planning on going to Calgary in June because they have the reprieve hair systems there and I want to have a consultation. I have given the possibility that I may loose all of my hair great consideration and what I realized is if it was just me on this earth I wouldn’t care less if I had hair at all. I might even welcome it, if it was just me, but it’s not just me and like you, I don’t want to be seen balding or bald therefore I am going to get and start wearing a hair piece or wig or bonded topper whatever the clinic recommends. We don’t always know how something is going to affect us until we are in it. So maybe having a wig handy will change the way you look at your loss or at the very least enable you to go get some groceries and baby step it until you come to acceptance. If I can help support you in any way please let me know. You are not alone my heart and thoughts are with you.
  10. mimz II

    mimz II New Member

    You are reaching out to us. That means you still believe there is hope. If you do not feel safe, please go to a hospital or call 911. Each minute of our lives is different from the last...keep giving yourself minutes--there may be some help that's found soon. Join the network...make some friends.
  11. katkat

    katkat New Member

    Dear Forever Blue,

    I completely understand your pain....but please consider getting some help as your life is precious and there are many of us who have been where you are and have found brighter days. I have been in the lowest of lows but utltimately decided it was a choice I'd have to make to face my life without hair so to speak. In wearing extra hair, my whole life opened up and actually improved in so many ways. I never could have known this THEN...but I am so so so glad I persevered and you can too. If you ever need to talk--I am here too....anytime. Sincerely-KatKat 314-359-0672.
  12. liselle

    liselle New Member

    My heart goes out to you.
    I could have written that exact same post.
    I just want to give you a big cyber hug.
    And yes, ALL of us here can relate 100%.

    (((( HUGS )))) and much love (((( LOVE ))))
  13. Women's Hair Loss Project

    Women's Hair Loss Project Administrator Staff Member

    It is important to call 911 if you are in immediate crisis.

    I wanted to post some resources for you:

    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
    1-800-273-TALK (8255)

    Also, there is a support forum for people in crisis:
    http://www.suicideforum.com/

    501c3 non-profit organization for suicide prevention, awareness and support.
    http://www.suicide.org/
    There is help for you. If you are in immediate crisis call 911. Stay on the phone with the operator and wait for help to arrive. Do not hesitate to call. Your life is extremely valuable, and people care about you. Please reach out for help. Never act on your thoughts of suicide. Never.

    :>:>

    Please know you are not alone, we are here for you and understand your feelings.

    :>:>
  14. Angela

    Angela Moderator

    Hi Foreverblue,

    I can totally understand where you are coming from, and I have spoken to a number of women that have felt suicidal over losing their hair. Losing hair is devastating and at times it can feel like you can't take even one more moment like this. I also read that you have a hypothyroid...I'm curious as to what medication you are on and at what dose. Hypothyroid can cause feelings of depression and even suicide. While your hair loss may seem like the actual reason you want to kill yourself, it may be that you need an adjustment in the dosage of medication you are taking. One of the ladies recommended seeking out another endocrinologist, and I'd have to say that that is probably a great idea. If you are on a T4 only thyroid medication, you may not be converting the T4 to T3, and if this is what is happening, it can cause severe depression. Adrenals also play a big role in helping to convert the T4 to T3 and if your adrenals are taxed, the conversion may not happen. You can become angry, jittery, nervous, depressed as well as begin to suffer from other hormonal problems as your body tries to compensate by utilizing progesterone to convert the T4. It leads to more hormone imbalance.
    It is so important to get your levels checked, and I would be more than happy to talk with you about this if you are open to it. You can email me at:
    alopecianmuse@gmail.com

    I understand the deep depression as well and feeling like life will not go on, or like that I am so hideous that no one will accept me or understand what I'm going through. Well, I have found comfort and solace here on the Forum and Network, and I have drawn strength from each of the ladies. I too am hypothyroid, I have scaring alopecia as well as Alopecia Areata. I am finally on thyroid meds and my depression (which got every BAD) lifted as well as being on an upswing physically. My hair will never grow back in certain areas, but right now I'm starting to see some poofy and very thick hair growing back. There are many things that have triggered hair loss for me, but solving just one piece of that puzzle via my low thyroid was a step in the right direction for me. I don't discuss my thyroid issues very much, but I'd be willing to talk with you about it privately if you'd like.

    Suicide is a very very serious thing, but just as serious is having your meds. all out of whack so that you can't think straight. I would love for you to take a look at a website called "Stop the Thyroid Madness", because it helped me tremendously. Here is the link:
    http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/

    I look forward to hearing from you,
    Angela :>
  15. ForeverBlue

    ForeverBlue New Member

    Angela...

    Since being diagnosed in 2008, i was on Armour, until they reformulated it in the spring of 09. Then it made me sick, and my hair started to fall out really bad, so i had to stop taking it. Since then i have been on 2 different compounded meds ( they are made with the same ingredients as Armour, with all natural fillers ). I did a lot of research when i was diagnosed ( never even heard of thyroid disease ), and decided against ever taking synthetic medication because of the side effects, and i heard the hair loss from synthroid is horrible ( how ironic ).

    I've been to about 10 different doctors, 2 of which were Endo's, i get my levels checked every 6 weeks, and i take my medication everyday. I just never feel better, and my symptoms just keep getting worse. I have no health insurance, and have already spent thousands of dollars on tests, and trying to find a doctor who will help me. They all just say, sorry, if the medication doesn't work, then i can't help you any more.

    I stopped telling the doctors about how severe my hair loss is, after i had one actually laugh at me. I've burst out in tears in many offices, and explained that i was feeling suicidal ( thought that would get their attention ), and i just get blown off. I just don't have the will to keep fighting doctors any more ( and i shouldn't have to ).

    I have already had to call 911 three times. Once somebody else called because i was talking to them on the phone, and they knew i took too many pills. The police came, took me to the hospital, then to the mental hospital for 4 days. I've been through all this. I have reached out for help. The therapists have been awful to me. I will never talk to one of them again. If i call 911 again, they said they will just put me back at the mental hospital. I attempted suicide another time, and had to beg them not to put me back in the hospital. To my surprize, they didn't. First of all, that did absolutely no good, and second, i can't afford to go there with no insurance. I just got more depressed when i received the hospital bill for $20,000 when i came home the last time. I can't afford to pay it, so now that just puts more stress on me. I'm not crazy. I'm just depressed because i have a treatable disease, that i shouldn't have to suffer from, yet i continue to go downhill every day.

    I've been on Stop the Thyroid Madness website. I also visit Mary Shomon's forum. I've done hundred's of hours of research on Thyroid disease. That really hasn't helped me much though. With no insurance, no doctor, no family to support me, i feel i have nowhere to turn. Talking to people on the internet is nice, but unfortunately that can't help my medical issues. My fatigue is so bad, i can't function anymore. I have horrible joint and muscle pain, anxiety, panic attacks, i sleep 3 to 4 hours a night ( if i'm lucky ), showers are a nightmare, my eyelashes fall out, my nails peel off in layers, i get horrible stomach pains, my thyroid gland is so swollen. some days i can't swallow, Etc. Etc. ( i could go on, but i'm sure you're bored by now ). Anybody would be depressed living like this for as long as i have. The hair loss was just the final straw for me.

    I've tried to be strong, and take life day to day, but that just isn't doing it any more. Now that i can longer leave my house, it's gotten bad. I don't know how i'm going to get groceries, blood tests, or anything i need to do, if i can't go out. I get terrible panic attacks everytime i even think about trying to go out. This is just no way to live. I don't know where a person can go from here. I don't trust anybody anymore. Especially doctors, who just take your money, and then don't care how awful you feel.

    Women keep telling me that the longer my hair falls out, the less chance there is that it will grow back. Well, it's coming up on 2 years now. I know that's not good. It's never going to stop, so i doubt that it will ever come back. What i have left is so ravaged by having thyroid disease, it's not worth having anyways. It's like straw, it's frizzy, and it gets so tangled, i can't get a comb or brush through it, without pulling it all out. I feel too embarrassed to leave the house, and can't stand looking in a mirror anymore. I use to be an attractive person, and now i just feel like a freak.

    I'm overwhelmed :-(

    You are beautiful without hair, you're lucky.
  16. girlsmom

    girlsmom New Member

    Where are you?

    Is there a big teaching hospital/ University hospital nearby. They can be a lLOT more flexible with the money issues sometimes - because they get big research dollars and income from other sources.

    also, it really sounds like your thyroid is not controlled - f you are still symptomatic - your levels are off - a good endocrinologist figures out what is normal for YOU which can be really different than someone else's "normal" I really think that part of the reason your depression is so overwhelming, could be your thyroid hormone being uncontroled.

    Hang in there!!! you can message me if you want. I'm a nurse - don't know a ton about alopecia -(that's why I'm here) but am pretty good at patient advocacy - helping people get what they need out of this unbelievably mesed up health care system....

    I'll be thinking of you (((((hugs))))
    M
  17. hstrygirl

    hstrygirl New Member

    Darkness

    I know this is an old thread. I'm just unloading, even if no one is listening. I feel what all of you feel. I can relate so much to the post that said she wishes she had cancer. I'm ashamed to say, I've prayed that I'd get cancer, then I'd have a reason for the hair loss. I've prayed to die, too. I'm not suicidal. I have too much respect for the God who created me; I just want to be with him right now. This life is too hard. I watched Y's video on when she knew she was ready for a wig. I've been there for a while. I went through a year long wig search and was taken advantage of by some unscrupulous wig dealers in Chicago. Long story short, I ended up with a Follea Aero II but was charged 1,000 more for it than it was worth and was sent a color that was 10 shades lighter than my hair (no fault of Follea, all the fault of this salon). I drove 4 hours to Chicago to a certified Follea stylist to have it cut and colored. I came away from that experience with an orange wig with extra short bangs, $250 poorer. I just sent it out again to have it re-colored. The color is nice, but nothing can fix the ugly short bangs. I spent every penny of savings I had on that wig, and i can't wear it. We are losing our home to foreclosure due to my medical bills; our car is old and broken down and we can't afford another one; I'm too sick, ugly, and depressed to get a job. Hair loss has destroyed an entire family. I don't know how to climb out of this pit - it's too deep. There seems to be no hope for me. I've tried every avenue for getting through this and it has turned to dust in my hands. I can't look at the person in the mirror, she's not me. I'm afraid that that person has died, and yet this balding shell has to go on - My heart just keeps beating.
  18. RENESMEE

    RENESMEE New Member

    I've prayed that I'd get cancer, then I'd have a reason for the hair loss. I've prayed to die, too.

    Exactly my thoughts the last two months. I know how you feel, I went to a doctor and as of today I'm starting valdoxan antidepressants.

    I know you cant do it right now but think of that: the pit is too deep indeed but you cannot and you have not to climb it in one day.

    First step you need to have chemical help for your psychology - you will still be not so goodlooking but bear with it for a while.

    Second when the antidepressant works try to find any job - you will still be not so goodlooking but bear with it for a while longer.

    Third step stay in the chepest home you find as long as you have a roof on top of you, - you will still be not so goodlooking but bear with it for a while longer.

    After the above are in order and probably after several months you will focus on your hair. Wearing a wig is scary for me too - not needed currently but maybe this is where I'm heading, But if I have too I will do it and I will get used to it. Untill then shave your head and pretend you do have cancer or even say that to people that dont know you - and pretend you are trying to survive. It's all about survival.

    During the whole time, pray to God and keep asking him to help you go through this.

    I used to look like a model untill the end of this summer, I'm tall thin and I had long dark hair that everybody was jealous off. I'm starting to forget this image of a beautiful woman, I think its over for me. I will try to look as decent as I can. I'm telling you these trying to convince my self cause I've been through hell the last few months, and I'm still there. I hope that chemistry will get balanced in my brain and that I will find the will to go on. I always consider suicide as an alternative still but I hope it will go away.

    I hope I helped a tiny bit, if not then just think that I read your post and you are not alone
  19. suzieQ2

    suzieQ2 New Member

    Dear hstrygirl and others who are feeling so blue.... my heart has hurt this morning reading these posts and I hope I can offer some useful advice, considering I am a 20 plus year hair loss sufferer. I started losing my hair in my late 20's and it took me most of the past 20 years to finally be ok with my "problem". I won't bore you with 20 years of my Trail of Tears but can tell you that once I accepted my hair loss and looked for a solution instead of focusing on the problem, things changed for me. I still remember the first time I walked out of the hair salon with my new bonded topper on and felt like a million bucks!! Confidence is everything and it doesn't matter how you get that confidence. I have worn bonded toppers (some of which I spent waaaay too much $$ on) and also wigs (both natural and synthetic hair) and all of these were a good solution at that time and gave me the confidence I needed to go out in public and live a normal life. NO ONE ever guessed that I was "wearing hair" except for the ones I chose to confide in. Till this day, some of my friends have no idea that I suffer hair loss.
    In my opinion, there is no need to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on hair. I have recently started wearing synthetic hair wigs because I wanted to give my scalp a rest from bonding and to be honest, I am liking the wigs better than the human hair for a few reasons.

    #1 They are much cheaper (avg $50)
    #2 The synthetic hair looks and feels so real, it amazes me that they are made so well
    #3 I don't have to shave my head to bond
    #4 I can take it off at night
    #5 My hair ALWAYS looks great, without any heat styling
    #6 I can buy a new one every month and have different styles to choose from
    #7 Don't be ashamed!! All the celebrities wear wigs!!
    #8 I am having a blast trying new styles, some curly, wavy, straight....instead of being stuck with the same old
    #9 I am also beginning vitamin D, and Bcomplex vitamin regimine to see if my hair will get any thicker at this point. (I had given up on that years ago after seeking without finding)

    Life is not over because of hair loss, don't let the beauty industry and media lie to you that women have to be perfect and have it all. Everyone has something imperfect that needs help, and I am just thankful that there are solutions (even if temporary) to our problem. Go to youtube and watch some of the videos made by gorgeous women who wear wigs and you will be encouraged. There are lots of wig wearers out there who are not ashamed, but use it as another tool in their beauty arsenal. Good luck and God Bless
  20. RENESMEE

    RENESMEE New Member

    thank you for your inspiring post, I hope that through this process I will reach the same destination. God bless you too