I can't handle this anymore!!

Discussion in 'Rants and Venting' started by Babyzoo, Sep 3, 2010.

  1. Babyzoo

    Babyzoo New Member

    Major rant and rave coming....read at your own risk (sorry)...:(

    Ok, I've tried dealing with this hair-loss crap! I really have. I am 44 years old and since January 2009 everything that could happen to a person, has happened to me. I had major gall bladder surgery in January 2009, but the removal of my gall bladder caused a build up of stomach acid in my stomach and in May '09 came the diagnosis of a bleeding ulcer (great). In July '09 I was demoted for someone with an MBA over my BS degree, in August '09 my 22 yr old son was diagnosed with such an aggressive form of cancer, he was give 2 week to 2 months to live if we didn't get immediate treatment. In Oct '09, our cat died of cancer, in Dec '09 they laid me off from my job while my son was undergoing chemotherapy. In Feb '10, son started radiation and then I started getting sick...bleeding like crazy during my monthly cycle. Went to gyno in March '10 and had a ton of tests done, found out I had fibroid tumors (no more than 4 they said....about the size of a baseball, they said...BULL!) After the hysterectomy in April '10, they overdosed me with pain meds and could have killed me in recovery. I was sent home less than 48 hrs upon completion of surgery (c-section surgery). Less than 24 hrs of being home, I couldn't breath..yes, back to the ER to find out I had a blood clot in my right lung! Are you kidding me!!! Wait...it gets better....I am so anemic from monthly bleeding, they want to give me a blood transfusion....and my potassium is so low, they almost didn't do the hysterectomy!

    So, I spent the next 5 days in the hospital getting Heparin through an IV 24 hrs a day, tons of iron pills, as well as potassium pills. Heparin causes hair loss. In addition (and at the same time), they gave me Coumadin to help thin out my blood...guess what...it's also causes hair loss!!! I finally come home from surgery and my hair starts falling out. I go to the doctor, she said "no, your hairs not falling out...but it if it, its from stress...don't stress". DON'T STRESS?? No job, no female parts, severely anemic, low potassium, recovering from major surgery, son has cancer....you tell me what part I should stop stressing about! :mad:

    It takes me 2 months to recover from the surgery...just in time to go to Hawaii with my family to give my son a chance to recover from his ordeal, but I can't do anything for fear of possibly bleeding out internally (per the dr) cause my blood is now very thin! UGH!!

    I bought a wig to go to Hawaii figuring I would wear it to combat the humidity out there....HA! Little did I know I would need it cause I was losing hair in clumps with every shower. I was embarrassed to go to the beach, to lay out by the pool....in general, embarrassed to be seen without my wig on. Ever lay in 90+ degree heat with a full on, long haired wig??! Not pleasant!! :(

    By the time we come back from Hawaii, my hair cannot even be styled because I lost so much! But, I come back from Hawaii with a raging sinus infection. I try to get that under control and that's when the insomnia sets in....now I get to have over 20 hours a day to obsess over losing my hair!! Yeah for me!!

    I finally break down and go to a dermatologist who tells me I have Telogen Effluvium and I'm losing my hair, in short, due to my body going into "shock" from the surgery and the hospital stay (of course the meds I took to thin my blood didn't help things either!). He said that when my body "heals", my hair will grow back, but it could take up to a year! WHAT! You mean I'm going to be freaking out like this for a year...wearing that stupid wig...feeling ugly...wondering if I'm not getting the job because employers can tell I'm wearing a wig?! I gotta do this for a year?!

    My best friend has beautiful hair..we're the '80s generation,..it was all about hair then...she doesn't understand....she tells me to throw on a babushka (scarf) and we'll go out. Yeah, ok....I'll put on a scarf if you wear a thong bikini out to a bar with me....guess what, neither one is gonna happen any time soon!

    It's like everything gave up on me....even my own body is refusing to grow hair! I'm sorry, but what did I do to be punished with this?! This isn't the life I ordered!! I need to be there for my son (who, thank God, is doing wonderfully and his recovery chances are fantastic)...but I can barely be there for myself. I feel ugly...like a big loser...can't grow hair...can't find a job....can't even sleep to get away from obsessive thoughts!!!

    I WANT A DO-OVER! Can I call that?? Is it possible? I'm tired of crying and screaming....my mom died in my arms at 23 and I yelled at her picture the other day cause she's not here to help me through this! I'm tired of being angry....I'm tired of seeing clumps of hair go down the drain with every shower.....I'm tired of failing....I'm tired of looking for work.....I'm just plain tired.....

    I call a do-over........

    (Thank you for listening (reading) and for giving me a place to vent)

    xoxoxoxo
  2. ForeverBlue

    ForeverBlue New Member

    Babyzoo....

    I really feel for you, because i have a lot of the same feelings as you have. I've been through the anger, depression, anxiety, the insomnia, the "why me, what did i do to deserve this", the denial, the frustration, the stress, the fear, the exhaustion, and last, but not least, the suicidal thoughts that consume me 24/7. Losing my hair, has destroyed my life in every way possible. It's been going on for 2 years now, with no end in sight. And it gets harder to deal with, with each passing day. I figured it would get easier after a while, but that's definitely not the case.

    Geez, you've been through a lot. You're body has been through so much stress, that it's taken a toll on your hair. The good news for you is that your body will recover, and your hair will grow back when things settle down. And yes, that might take a year or so for that to happen. At least yours will come back. You need to be thankful for that. Mine won't. I have no chance of ever getting better, so see, things could be a lot worse. If i knew there was a chance for my hair, it would make it a little easier to cope. I have no hope, but you do!!!!!!!!!! I know it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you'll get there.

    Losing your hair sucks, and the feelings you have are normal. Nobody deserves to go through this, it's awful. It's probably the worst thing i've ever had to deal with in my life. I would rather die, then go through this. I pray every night when i go to bed, that i won't wake up the next morning, just so i don't have to endure this another day.

    I hope things will improve for you soon ( and they will ). Unfortunately, it can take quite a while for hair loss to stop, once it starts. I won't tell you not to stress about it ( cause anybody that says that, is just ridiculous ). Of course you will be stressed out, how could you not be. But you will get through this, and you can recover. I wish you the best. Hang in there, and take care <<<Hug>>>
  3. Babyzoo

    Babyzoo New Member

    Thank you, ForeverBlue......

    I read and re-read your message and you put so many things in perspective for me. I felt so much better after reading your post and for finding the support that I so desperately needed, from you, and from other members of this website! I don't feel so alone anymore as I read the stories of courageous women, such as yourself, who have been dealing with hair loss for so much longer than I have.

    I watched my son go through a very aggressive form of lymphoma and he lost his hair. I was there the night he shaved it all off...and you know, through all that's happened to him, you know he never complained? I think that's why I feel like a big failure....I'm losing my hair and bitching and whining all the time...he could have lost his life, but I never heard him complain. Not once!

    After he shaved his head, I will say that it took me a while to get used to seeing him without hair....he had beautiful, thick hair...auburn red ...and then, it was gone. But it didn't change WHO he was, just HOW he looked. He was the same person....just without hair. In a very short time, family and friends didn't focus on the fact that he didn't have hair. We were just grateful he was alive. He even told me one night that he forgot what he looked like WITH hair (the chemo and radiation took him a while to regrow his hair back).

    After thinking about what you said, and how I have a good chance of getting my hair back (eventually)...I was sitting here and thinking "what if it never came back and I end up bald". I believe that I would go bald on MY TERMS and shave my remaining hair off before it all fell out.

    Then, I would probably go and get a sassy red wig...or an exotic dark one...or a vibrant blond wig....or get all three! When I went to buy my current wig, I took an old picture of how I wore my hair to the wig salon and said "this is what I want to look like again...this is me and how I wear my hair". In the beginning, yes, the wigs made me look like Cousin It from the Adams Family, but see...wigs are designed for "everyone"...and it's the cutting and shaping that makes it unique to YOU. I didn't know it at the time, but even though my wig is synthetic, I can wash it and use hot rollers on it to style it, and I can use certain hair spray on it. You cannot use a hair dryer or flat iron or anything like that, cause it will melt the wig. Plus, synthetic wigs don't care about humidity so it won't frizz in the rain!!

    I guess what I am saying is...don't give up....there are people out here, like me, who need to hear your story and hear your courage....and it's people like you that keep people like me going!!

    From the bottom of my heart I appreciate your friendship, and for you sharing your personal story with me and others on here! We need you, so please....keep fighting and don't give up....life really is beautiful...and to be honest, I never met a man that said "I love you only because you have beautiful hair". It truly is what's on the inside that counts....but that doesn't mean that losing your hair doesn't really suck!!

    I am here to support you anytime you find yourself at the end of your rope....I'll be dangling on my rope, right next to you...we can chat anytime!

    Be strong, my new friend!! ((hugs))