Outed at work

Discussion in 'Rants and Venting' started by Marion, Aug 31, 2011.

  1. Marion

    Marion New Member

    Hello everyone,

    I'm new here, so this is kind of an introduction as well as a rant ;). I'm sorry my post is so long!

    Although I'm a newbie on this forum, I'm not new to hair loss. I am 26, and I have been dealing with hair loss for almost 10 years now. It started with cicatrical alopecia and it eventually developed into AGA (androgenetic alopecia, is that how you call it here?). I suspect stress also had something to do with it.

    I was able to hide it well for the first few years, but by the time I was 22, it was very hard to hide it. I was also tired of feeling obsessed with my hair, and constantly depressed.

    That year, my father got diagnosed with leukemia, and he died just a few months after learning he was sick. I think I lost more hair during that stressful period. After my dad passed away, I decided that it was time to shave my head. I had just lost my favourite person in the world, so shaving my head at that point was really not that big of a deal. I was ready.

    So for the last 4 years, I have been wearing full lace wigs after shaving what was left of my hair. I am very thankful for lace wigs. They look very natural, and most people don't realize it's not your real hair.

    Of course, some people do realize it's not your hair, and this is what my rant is about...


    Since I started to "wear hair", I have sometimes notice people staring at the top of my head. These people are always women. Usually, they don't say anything, and I don't say anything either. It's fine. I don’t mind that people know; I just don’t want to be put on the spot.

    I am a very reserved person, and I don't like to talk about my hair loss. In fact, I don't talk about it openly at all. It’s a painful topic. The only people I have talked about it with are my close friends and family members. I haven’t told my work colleagues about my hair.


    I work for a government agency, in a small team of about 10 people. A few months ago, a woman who used to work in my team noticed that I was wearing wigs.

    The woman in question is about 38 years old. She is beautiful, very intelligent, and she can be hilarious, but for some reason she is also very bitter. She is constantly putting other people down, mocking other people behind their backs, victimizing herself and criticizing everyone. Basically, she seems to be jealous of everyone.

    One of her favourite thing to talk about is celebrities, and how this celebrity has had plastic surgery, and how this one wears hair extensions, and how people think she is a natural beauty but she's not, etc.

    At some point, I noticed that she would often stare at the top of my head when she was standing close to me. I knew she was trouble, and I suspected that it was only a matter of time before she would tell other people about it. However, I was always very nice to her, so I thought that maybe if I was very lucky, she would be mature enough not to broadcast it.

    She didn’t talk about it to others at first, but she started to make snide remarks during group conversations. One day, she started talking about how she wished she had beautiful long hair, and since her hair was short (but beautiful nonetheless), she was considering getting a wig like the ones that Beyonce wears. Another time, she was talking about a woman at her previous job who was balding, and you could tell she was rejoicing in that woman’s hair loss. Then this other time, she was talking about Amy Winehouse and her hair extensions and wigs. She gave me an angry look from the corner of her eye and she said “It must smell really bad under there”.

    Soon after she made that last remark, we learned that our team was moving to another building. The new building could not accommodate all of us at first so only about half the team, including the woman, moved there in January. The rest of us finally moved in our new workplace in May.

    When we moved with the others 4 months later, I noticed that the people who had moved there at the same time as her were acting differently with me. A guy in particular, who is the same age as me, 26, and who I got along great with previously can now not even look at me in the eyes when he talks to me. He looks everywhere else but in my eyes and it seems like he is always on the verge of bursting out laughing. Another girl I work with now only talks to my "hair part", apparently the rest of my face doesn’t exist anymore.

    The woman who outed me has left our team recently – thank God. But the damage that she has done is irreversible.

    I am now terrified that the rest of the team, people I consider as friends, will soon also learn the truth about my hair. I am scared that they will too start to treat me differently, although I doubt they will as they are more mature. Nevertheless, maybe they will think that I sort of lied to them since I haven’t told them the whole truth. I just didn’t want things to be awkward, I didn’t want to be pitied and I just wanted to be treated normally.

    Maybe I am just going to have to tell all of my colleagues the truth. I really don’t want to do this though, and I don’t feel I should have to...

    Anyways, that was my very long rant. I am curious to know if some of you have gone through something similar. How do you deal with this?

    Thanks so much for reading :)

  2. Cailin

    Cailin New Member

    Hi Marion,

    First of all, wow, what a horrible person that woman must be. I don't understand how anyone can wake up every day and face themselves in the mirror when they act like that, I really don't get it.

    Secondly, It's sad that people are so immature about it. Honestly, the amount of people who wear wigs or supplemental hair (especially in the entertainment industry) is astounding. You'd figure we'd be used to it by now.

    Thirdly, I really feel as though you should do what you feel is right. I'm sure that if you gathered your colleagues together and explained to them what you have gone through, the ones that have been unkind to you would be ashamed of themselves. And if they aren't, well hey, there's something wrong with them.

    I'm really sorry you've had to go through all this. I hope things get better at work for you.
  3. Tracy C

    Tracy C New Member

    That women is evil. :mad:

    I don't think I can say that I went through something similar. Everyone in my life knew I was losing my hair when I started wearing prosthetic hair. Everyone in my life was very kind to me about it. Maybe it won't be as bad as you think it would be if they all know.
  4. greeneyes

    greeneyes New Member

    You know what people can be so ignorant and cruel. The fact someone wouldnt want to be your friend anymore because you wear wigs is hilarious. Keep your head held up, let them do what they want. ;):) xx
  5. Tarot by Tara

    Tarot by Tara New Member

    Oh, Marion. I'm so sorry that woman was so cruel to you. But remember you are right: you do not have to tell anyone your private matters if you don't want to. Just think of their immature behaviors as nature's way of weeding out the mean people in your life. They showed you who they are, so now you know not to involve yourself on a personal level with them. Keep business business and don't pay them any mind.
  6. cathy13

    cathy13 New Member

    Wow. All I can say is that that women is sick and I actually feel sorry for her. She has no spiritual life and no concept of what life is all about. She has to feel good about herself by putting others down. what a shallow way to live. But you are doing life as a whole person. Thank you for your post
  7. Jerseygirl

    Jerseygirl New Member

    I am so sorry that happened to you. People can be so cruel and so mean!
  8. Phillygrl

    Phillygrl New Member

    Hi Jerseygirl ! What part of Jersey are u from? I spend summers in bucks county PA. Do u have a hair salon or replacement salon you like ? Thanks and i apologize if u have posted your story and I missed it :)
  9. Jerseygirl

    Jerseygirl New Member

    I am in Southern NJ. Not far from Philly. I have a salon I go to in my town. She does hair replacement but I just have her cut and color my bio hair. I am currently wearing a Flora piece and a piece from Savvy Sheitels. I clip, I don't bond.
  10. ambermarie22

    ambermarie22 New Member

    From Philly

    Where do you two go for wigs? I am from Montgomery county and I need to do something soon or it will be noticeable.
  11. MaryJo

    MaryJo New Member

    Hi Marion,

    I'm really sorry this happened to you. I had a bad experience at work as well. Right before I started wearing my clip in topper, which I wear everyday now by the way, a rude co-worker of mine, who i've known for about 4 years now said to me " Did you do something different to your hair?" I played dumb and said, "no.." And then, against my better judgement, I asked "what looks different?". She said loudly and with disgust, "I don't know, it just looks so THIN"..

    I just laughed it off but I wanted to strangle her!! SHE of course has gorgeous hair.
  12. Luc30

    Luc30 New Member

    Hi Marion,

    I am so sorry you had to go through that! Clearly that woman is just a b$*$*. It is up to you if you want to let people know. However, I would speak to HR because she can be disciplined for creating a hostile work environment for you. I understand that speaking with an HR will require you to explain the situation, but still - this can't go on.
  13. erin7111

    erin7111 New Member

    I can't believe how horrible that woman is. She does not even have the excuse of youth to use. What I strongly feel you should do is report this woman to HR. She needs to be held accountable for psychological harassment in the work place. Some places of employment will fire individuals who exhibit this behaviour. I am so sorry you had to go through it and am so ANGRY for you. xo
  14. Kirakira

    Kirakira New Member


    I am SO sorry you ahve to go through this. One of the reasons I am holding back on going back to work (my children are getting older) is because I am scared of what the reaction will be if I start wearing wigs.

    You know what - I would OUT them! I would gather them all together for a quick meeting, and tell them exactly what has happened to you and why you are wearing a wig. Explain it all simply and then ask "Any questions?!" They`ll be so surprised and it will completely take the wind out of their sails.

    As for snooty beyotch - well, she`s gone now and Karma is on her tail :) !