Wigs and Dating

Discussion in 'Wigs and Toppers' started by lexiemustang, Feb 9, 2010.

  1. lexiemustang

    lexiemustang New Member

    My hair loss issues are very personal to me. As a single thirtysomething, this issue seems to compound my dating issues, so I have a few questions for anyone who is dating and dealing with major hair loss. I currently wear wigs (not the expensive ones - the inexpensive ones that you wear with a wig cap) to cover my hair, which currently looks like a mine field in its natural state.

    Please feel free to chime in on any of these "issues":

    1 - When do you tell the guy you're dating that you wear wigs and that you're losing your hair? I struggle with this one since this issue is still very personal to me right now.

    2 - Has your SO seen your real hair? When did you show them?

    3 - What do you do about the wig when you participate in "Extracurricular Activities" :p - I'm still a little embarrassed about my situation so I've been leaving them on and telling my SO not to pull on my hair, LOL.
  2. missy33

    missy33 New Member

    While I am not at the point yet where I have to wear a wig- I can totally relate to what you are going through with the dating situation. Honestly if my hair continues to fall out I will be wearing a wig in no time! I am 28 and have just joined a dating website- but I too don't know when to tell someone I am loosing my hair. I certainly haven't brought it up on a first date! I suppose if I start dating someone and I feel like it might be turning more serious- I will tell them my situation. I don't want to hold off too long- let's be honest some guys will run for the door when they hear that I could be going bald and I don't want to mislead them.

    I'm not sure how serious your relationship is- but if I really liked a guy and felt comfortable around him- I would show him my real hair. I don't think there is a "right" time- just whenever you feel comfortable doing so. Although some are more noticeable than others, we all have imperfections and the person you are with should be able to accept your hair if they really care about you~
  3. kvb927

    kvb927 New Member

    Hi,

    I don't wear a wig - still camouflaging. But, my hair loss is significant. I am currently with my third SO since it started, so at a few points I was dating with HL.

    I told the first guy about the problem when I was in the process of breaking up with him, because I found him to be very superficial, which my me super self-conscious. To my surprise, he, without hesitation, said that he didn't care if I had hair or not and that he wanted to be with me for me. I still ended things with him for a reasons I think were significant.

    Guy #2 was significantly balding, which was great for me, because he was very empathetic. So, I told him pretty quickly. I told him the night before I was going wig shopping. I felt horribly awkward. I said - "I have to go look for a wig...because my hair is falling out." His response was great - "That really sucks." Then, he told me all about a friend of his who has alopecia universalis. He said that when he's around her, he often forgets she is wearing a wig - it looks so natural and great. He was wonderful about the whole thing - never phased, dismissive, etc. He often talked openly about his own struggles with hair loss. He told me that when he first started losing his hair, he had horrible anxiety out in public and began avoiding it, but that he eventually didn't care nearly as much. Our relationship also ended for non-hair related issues.

    Current guy: Well, I didn't have to tell him. Much to disappointment, a good friend of mine let the cat out of the bag for me while we were on a double-date. Oy. I'd only been with the guy for a couple of months and was falling in love. How embarrassing?! Well, I'm glad she did it, after all, because I didn't have to! He was like, "So, you're losing it?" I was like - "Uh huh." I went on to explain that I was sorry and that if he didn't want to be with me I would understand. He thought that was nuts and told me that he always thought Sinead O'Connor was really hot. We have conflicts about it, because he, being an extreme optimist, convinces himself that it won't be a problem - that my hair will recover or not worsen. Well, that bothers me, because it is very invalidating and makes me feel like the reality will hit him hard. Maybe not, I don't know.

    Sorry for the long post. I just agree that this is a highly sensitive issue. Honestly, if it weren't for men, I'm not sure how much I'd care about the whole hair thing...I saw that with complete awareness of how bad that sounds...

    When I'm there, I'll probably not wear a wig during sex, because my SO lives with me and he will surely see me hairless anyway. If that wasn't the case, I'd probably leave it on until I felt very secure in the relationship.

    Oh - not sure what your situation is - but, I have medical issues causing my hair loss. So, I was able to play the sympathy card with these guys. They were all kind of nurturing people and were more concerned about my health than my hair. I guess I've been luckier than I realized...

    Hugs,
    K
  4. brneyez

    brneyez New Member

    concealing

    Thank you for this post. I has the exact same question. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. We've been going out for over 2 years now and I know he loves me more than I know.

    I am also concealing my HL. I use toppik and I have never told my SO that I do. It's obvious that my hair is thin, but he doesn't know exactly how thin it is because he's never seen me without the toppik on.

    I used to get the toppik delivered to my house, but he is there a lot and I didn't want him asking me what was in the package. But... There was one day the package came, so I told him it was a hair thickener that I used and left it at that.

    I have never gotten ready in front of him, in fact when I need to shower I always think of some reason to send him home. I've avoided weekend gettaways and vacations with him because of this. It's come to the time where we are talking about living together, so I need to tell him sooner or later. I've just always been so sensitive about my HL and never really talked to anyone about it.

    Again, I know he'll love me no matter what but I just have to muster up enough courage to bring it up. I don't know how to do that though, how do you start??
  5. lexiemustang

    lexiemustang New Member

    Well, I did tell the guy I was dating about my hair loss issues. He was very understanding and nice about the whole situation. I told him about two and a half months into the relationship; I don't even remember how I brought it up. It just seemed like the "right time" to tell him about my hair issues.

    We are no longer dating, but that's a story for another day.
  6. seattlebabe21

    seattlebabe21 New Member

    Oh that gives me hope that theres guys that are understanding. but I have a question.When you're getting intimate what happens with the wig. Is there a glue or tape that keeps it on.
  7. jenfromdenver

    jenfromdenver New Member

    OMG! I am so glad I found this thread!

    I am 31, and my hairloss started a little over 5 years ago. I have been doing a pretty decent job of concealing it (i call it my comb over) but have not been able to grow my hair out past about chin legnth without it being pretty obvious. My hair before had always been fairly long.

    I just ordered my first wig TODAY.

    I ordered a synthetic wig (edge savvy by forever young) and beyond it falling off or something equally embarassing, i worry about it getting terribly tangled or matted during more intimate moments.

    I have never had a problem telling men about my hair loss and tend to do it rather quickly just because I assume they can tell anyway. Once I start wearing the wig regularly it will probably be different because it won't be so "obvious". I'm really curious to hear from a wig wearer :)
  8. curtistlester

    curtistlester New Member

    Ok so Im a guy that just happens to thing a wig is very sexy for reasons I don't know or can explane, I've been this way all my life. I personally don't understand why other guys freek out because their women dosent have or is loosing their hair. To me if I was told that my girl was loosing her hair and that she was conserned about it would create a bond between the two of us.
  9. Rapunzel

    Rapunzel New Member

    Sex and wigs

    I am dating two different men for around three years each. Neither one of them know I wear a piece and during sex they just know hair pulling is off limits.

    I wear a real hair wig custom made for my head. I attach it with clips to the hair I have left. At the end of each physical encounter a LOT of brushing is required. I got myself a long lucious wig. With bangs and hair that hangs down past the middle of my back.

    I never meant to keep such a thing secret. In the beginning my self esteem was so low from the years of helplessly watching it fall out I never imagined these men would want me.now at three years it just seems too late to tell them. It haunts me daily. It makes me feel like a fake and a liar. Yet when I wear the piece I have self confidence. As soon as I take it off I feel like a liar.

    One man has become like a best friend to me and the other I've fallen deeply in love with. And as much as each man says he loves me I can't ever fully receive that love because i feel like it is for a version of me that isn't real.

    I have nightmares about it every other night. I come up with schemes of how to slowly get wigs that will look like my natural hair amd somehow come up with the $ for hair transplant therapy. But I am not a wealthy person and in reality I most likely will never be able to afford such a thing.

    I look like a monster without my piece. It has given me the confidence to be out in public again - yet I always feel costumed or insulated behind its mask.

    I could tell the men.... But I can't bear the shame
  10. Rapunzel

    Rapunzel New Member

    I'd like to give an update in case anyone finds this post in a similar situation.

    I told both men I wear a wig.

    I am amazed to stand on the other side of this experience and say neither man really cared.

    It didn't change theo feelings for me in the slightest.
    I feel really really good.
  11. beni2701

    beni2701 New Member

    I have been wearing wigs for about 7 years or so. When I first started dating (after wig) I was so afraid about my dates asking questions or bringing up the subject. I thought it was the biggest deal in the world! Well, to me it was because I was sensitive about the whole thing. Then I met my perfect match. We dated for over a year and then was asked to move in. OMG!! What was I gonna do? They'd surely know now! Now for sure I can't hide it anymore. So I gathered all my courage and a stiff drink and said there's something VERY important I have to tell you. I beat around the bush for about 5-7 min then I just came out and said I wear wigs. And my S.O. said Ok so you said you had something important to tell me. Was that it? I already knew and I don't care. I love you for you not because of your hair. I was so relieved and was kicking my butt for not saying it sooner! Now seeing me without my wig...That's a horse of a different color. I don't allow my S.O. to see me without my "hair" . It's an issue I still struggle with. I can't bear to see my own head so I wouldn't want anyone else to see it. So, I wear a soft hat to bed, for now. I'm debating on shaving my head. Being intimate with a wig just really depends on the wig you are wearing. If wearing one that's not glued or taped down then you def have to use bobby pins to keep it in place. You don't want your wig on sideways and you're thinking you look cute! :p
  12. catgirl0306

    catgirl0306 New Member

    I'm new to this site and found this thread. The original post - I could have written it. I've had two boyfriends since I started wearing hair (toppers, extensions), and I never said anything about it, but I'm sure they knew something was up. I didn't stay with either long enough to have to come out with the real problem.

    But to Rapunzel - re wearing a clip-in topper during sex - I can understand how no hair-pulling would be nonnegotiable, but (sorry to be so personal), your head never touches the mattress? Or a pillow? I'm guessing you avoid that, because I'd think that any move of your head while your head is on a surface like that, wearing clip-ins, you'd tear your hair out. Just wondering about that part of things! I realize this was years ago, you might have a different solution now anyway, but - I might still wear clip-in toppers, so I'm just wondering.